Rafael Lopez swears by Burk Hall. Kyle Nicolos considers the top floor in the Fine Arts building his home base. Vincent Munoz declares that the men’s locker room is like a secret garden, and any Business major will adamantly maintain theirs are the best on campus. And if you ask any female at SF State, well, don’t ask because they don’t poop.

Yes, good ‘ole number two. It happens. Whether you’re sitting in English 214, studying Physics in the Annex or eating lunch in the Student Center with that cutie patootie you’ve had your eye on the whole semester, pooping is a part of life and it can strike as randomly and violently as Jason on Halloween.

The worst part about a stinky situation? Is where exactly, and where in closest proximity, is the best place to handle your situation. That depends where you are on campus.  Are you coming from MUNI at the top of State by Holloway? Or are you coming from SamTrans by Lake Merced? Perhaps, you are in a major hurry because you just tried looking for parking in Park Merced for the last twenty minutes. Whatever the situation, location is integral in deciding where to relieve yourself in such a desperate moment.

First and foremost, lets answer the biggest question of all. Where is the cleanest, most settling place on all of SF State to go number two you ask? Fifth floor administration building, right outside President Robert Corrigan’s office. It is essentially the five-star version of any bathroom on campus. However, it may be rather intimidating to go to that top floor where you wonder if everything from the fancy furniture to the state-of-the-art boardroom is financed by student tuition. But march on soldier. Once you hit those bathrooms you’ll forget about the shiny oak desks, lack of classes and thousand dollar books, and you’ll be basking in bathroom glory right outside the president’s door. Talk about stinkin’ it to ’em.

Unfortunately, the Administration building isn’t always going to be a viable solution, and when you have to go, you have to go. If you are coming from the Lake Merced direction onto campus and do not have access to the dorms, your best bet is to hit any bathroom in the Humanities building. The higher the floor you go, the cleaner the bathroom. Burk Hall, Rafael Lopez’s personal favorite, is just across from Humanities. BH’s bathrooms are a little more modern than Humanities and thus seemingly cleaner. The Creative Arts building is also an option for those coming from the Park Merced area, the bathrooms are a bit outdated, but more sanitary than most places on campus.

If you are coming from a Stonestown excursion to get your freshest gear for the weekend and that Hot Dog on a Stick starts to rumble around in that belly of yours, get to Hensill Hall as soon as possible. Most of the SF State student body doesn’t even know this building exists. There are multiple floors with two-stall bathrooms that are frequently clean and quiet. There are also lockers adorning the walls in Hensill Hall, bringing back old memories of high school and yesteryear to calm you before unleashing the beast.

There are certain lavatory’s everyone should try to avoid at all times. Particularly the ones that are heavily trafficked. The bathrooms in the HSS building are simply gross. The Science building’s restrooms weren’t easy to find, and both building’s toilets look like they were last remodeled in 1950. The gym too should be avoided. Despite Munoz’s declaration, bathrooms at gymnasiums should just be used for number one.

The Business building isn’t ideal either, and if you are in that region of SF State you might as well find something in the Administration building that’s literally steps away. However, there are private one-stall bathrooms in the Business building that are a notch above the HSS and Science bathrooms.

Ideally, you want to be able to take care of your business in the soothing comforts of your own home. But that, like nature, cannot be completely controlled. Is it possible to somehow prevent or reduce random bowel movements? Of course. Wash your hands frequently, try to avoid big changes in your daily diet, don’t eat dropped food and wash fruits and vegetables before consuming. Also, try avoiding foods with Sorbitol, found in certain gum and candy that can lead to excessive bowel movements.

While none of this is a safe-proof plan to successfully relieving yourself on- or off-campus, this should be a decent guide of when and where to be if the moment strikes. And if you ever catch a female admitting to the unthinkable act of pooping, be sure to get in contact as soon as possible, their input would be gratefully appreciated.