Here at Xpress Magazine, we posted an article listing ways to save our dying planet. Those are nice but they didn’t touch on the bigger issue. Although global warming is a false ploy pushed on us by liberals who want to get elected, California is quickly drying out. I’ve done my civic duty by compiling a list of some less obvious ways to make sure you aren’t wasting water like a terrible, spongey human being.

If it’s Yellow, it’s Mellow but if it’s Brown, it’s Probably Still Mellow

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It’s a classic biblical saying but with a small twist. This is a gimme. I’ve been following this ever since I stopped wearing diapers. It’s been a great, water-saving four years.

Put Deodorant on Everywhere, Everyday

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You sweat a lot unless you’re a pig or dog (shoutout to all my literate pigs and dogs). Deodorant makes you not sweat. If you don’t sweat, you are saving water and simultaneously watching your water bill plummet. Cake it on your eyelids, crotch, back, both sets of cheeks, and any other exposed area of your skin that might start to perspire. If you bottle it in enough, you might not ever have to drink again.

Drink Gatorade™ Exclusively

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But if you do fold and have to drink something, make it Gatorade™, the environmentalist’s drink. Gatorade™ is made exclusively from Gatorade™ and electrolytes, neither of which are water. The sad downside is that your sweat won’t be cool and colored after flavors like MANGO EXTREMO™ and FROST GLACIER FREEZE™ because you will have already followed step two of this water-saving plan. But that’s a small sacrifice because you’ll be hydrating and saving the environment in style.

Don’t Watch The Big Bang Theory

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It isn’t advertised much but every time someone watches The Big Bang Theory, executive producer Chuck Lorre and his writers drown a bunch of kittens and record the sounds to make a script. Yes, that’s sad for the kittens but think of all that wasted water. Think I’m lying? Where is The Big Bang Theory filmed? California. Where is the drought? California.

Move to North Korea

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I just said the drought was in California. Think about that. Guess what isn’t California? North Korea. You may ask, “But Michael, isn’t it a terrible dictatorship led by the power-hungry Kim Jong-Un that oversees a propaganda-fed, poverty-stricken population?” Nope! Last year’s documentary The Interview documented the assassination of their leader, meaning it’s probably a great democracy now filled with equality and, more importantly, gallons and gallons of clean drinking water. Culture and hydrate yourself by moving to North Korea, your new home.

I can already hear the oceans refilling after reading this but if this doesn’t work, I hear there is water on Mars.