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Sex Talk Sundays with Hillary

Illustration by Hillary Smith / Xpress Magazine

 

Is dirty talk sexy?

Hey weird humanoids. Welcome back to Sex Talk Sundays. Did you miss us? We hope so! Today’s topic: “Is dirty talk sexy?”

Well, what do you think… is it? What even counts as dirty talk? Can you use it on anyone?

My opinion is that of course it can be sexy! It’s one of those things you’re going to have to feel out. And even once you dive in, there’s no guarantee you won’t be turned off by how they reply.

Example:

Person 1: “You’re so sexy, I just want to lick you all day.”

Person 2: “Oh baby, I want to eat you up like the double bacon cheeseburger I had for lunch, with extra chili fries!”

Person 1: “…Uhh…”  *end of all future sex scenes with Person 2*

That may be a crazy example, but I have heard weirder scenarios. From my experience with dirty talk, which honestly isn’t a ton, I’ve learned it’s better once I know the person pretty well. Mostly because it doesn’t seem to come from left field, and they have a hunch when to throw it in. That being said, the nature of dirty talk to me is supposed to be a bit surprising – that’s what makes it exciting.

You may know the person, but when they throw in a “I’m gonna **** you so hard,” or “I’m not going to stop until you can’t take it,” ….well, it is exciting. As long as you feel safe, of course. So when it comes to dirty talk, I don’t see any hard-and-fast rules. If you’re curious, the only way is to test it out. And part of testing it out is bracing yourself for however it goes.

Maybe they’ll get weird about it.  But maybe they’ll get into it, and then you’ll get more into it. And you’ll turn into crazy sex freaks who can’t stop talking dirty! And start adding “in beddddd” to everything you say!

No, don’t do that – that’s weird. But, I think it can really add to hot and heavy moments. If anything, hearing someone you’re messing around with tell you “harder,” or “I love that,” can only make you feel good. Unless you have a fetish for being insulted, which is another type of dirty talk.

I do think it’s worth exploring a few times in your life, if you haven’t given it a whirl yet. Otherwise, it’ll remain an untapped commodity in your life. It would be like never trying a shake with french fries.

And if you have never tried a shake with french fries, then you need to cry. But it’s okay, you can wipe your tears with shake fries.

Sex Talk Sundays with Jay

Photo by jean_koulev via Flickr

 

After being on a hiatus and with finals ramping up, Hillary and I will be doing our last post for the semester. We have come a long way, and our last topic is dirty talk. Does one need it to kink up the sex or not?

So many of us crave it during sex, yet we often feel awkward doing or asking for it. Why do you want to talk dirty to your partner? Why do you want to call your girlfriend a filthy little slut? Because it’s hot. That’s why. It will turn you and your partner on, if you let it happen, that is.

Talking dirty is a skill that all men should master. It’s a great way to turn him or her on. But it’s not easy, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it because every relationship is different and every person likes different things. There’s a fine line between dirty talk and disgusting talk, and it’s hard to find a balance.

Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore the mind’s darker fantasies – to play into a sexual scenario in the privacy of the master bedroom. You shouldn’t feel like a pervert just because you want to vocalize your sexual wants, whatever those wants may be. Talking dirty adds a layer to your cultivated sexual experience.

It can bring you closer to your partner and allow you to explore avenues you may have never ventured through before. It’s nothing to ashamed of; after all it’s sex. It’s supposed to be dirty, erotic, and most of all fun. The hardest part about talking dirty isn’t getting your partner’s permission, it’s coming up with what to say. If you need ideas, erotic literature is a good place to start, and no, I’m not referring to 50 Shades of Grey.

Unlike the library where you have to be subtle and quiet, this isn’t the case when it comes to dirty talk. Raise your voice. There’s a perfectly scientific explanation as to why we say the things we say in the bedroom.

Talking dirty to your partner doesn’t mean you want to degrade him or her. By calling your partner a “little whore,” you’re not actually saying your partner is a whore. You’re simply playing into a fantasy – a change of pace and social placement. If anything, being able to say those dirty, explicit things only emphasizes the trust and intimacy the two of you have as a couple.

If pillow talk makes you and your partner feel more silly than sexy, don’t beat yourself up over it. Ultimately, if you decide that talking dirty isn’t your thing, still having gone there and taken that risk will bring you closer together and make your sex life better no matter what.

If you have any tips, questions or suggestions for future Sex Talk Sunday topics, feel free to tweet me at @WWJAYD.

Sex Talk Sundays with Hillary

Photo by Akiko Photography

 

Hey coolio people. Welcome back to Sex Talk Sundays with this weirdo. Today’s topic: “Sex! How Soon is Too Soon?”

Dating and relationships are odd these days. The internet lets me find a potential “bae” in the same amount of time it lets me find the closest taco. The taco being the more important commodity. Anyways, this accessibility to romance, hookups and everything in between makes this question all the more pertinent. When is the “right” time to sleep with someone?

Hookups are one thing – a fleeting event both parties have recognized as nothing more than a fling of (hopefully) hot, passionate sex. But dating is a different story. It’s essentially you and another person agreeing to seek out something more than sex. I feel that dating has become super casual, because you CAN find a date so easily. It’s almost “no big deal” anymore. I don’t mean it’s not romantic or sweet or real anymore. Just that it’s… not as big a deal. And because of that, sex isn’t seen as big a deal anymore. Or that’s how I feel people see it now.

Still, I have my own limits for how soon I will sleep with a person. I also think this is such an individual preference. One that depends on how you view sex and what you want out of it at any given time in your life. At it’s best, I think sex is like a Swiss army knife that can accomplish lots of wonderful things. It can make you feel amazing, physically. It can lighten your mood, mentally. And it can add incredible depth to the connection you have to someone you love.

Sometimes, a person just wants to feel physically good. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, they want to feel mentally good. Nothing wrong with that. But I want the whole enchilada. I want to feel good physically, mentally, AND I want to build a fucking insane connection with someone I care about. Which is why when it comes to sleeping with someone, I will go for all three, which also means most times it will be after I’ve “hung out” (look at me, being so casual about dating) with someone more than a few times. And probably I’ve seen them do something embarrassing. And probably they’ve seen me do about 10 embarrassing things, like trip over a suitcase on the sidewalk and face plant.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleeping with someone on a first date. Maybe I will do that at some point in my life. But for now, I’m loving the trifecta.

Sex Talk Sundays with Jay

Photograph by epSos.de via Flickr.

Last week Hillary and I talked about sex tapes and the pros and cons of recording such acts. This week we wanted to talk about how soon is too soon when it comes to “giving it up” after meeting someone new.

When it comes to giving it up to someone, there really isn’t a guide for when it’s best do it. What I have learned is when you go out to the bar and it’s 1 a.m. or so, that might not be the best time because your inhibitions are slightly off-point and your judgment is clouded. I’ve been down this road in the past and the only feelings I’ve had afterwards were guilt and regret.

Now I normally meet people through friends or online apps such as Tinder. When I meet people through these outlets, I’ve yielded a higher success rate in terms of finding something with more substance as opposed to a one night stand following a drunken encounter at a bar. Perhaps it comes down to the individual and what the expectations are. I prefer deeper conversations of more serious topics such as long and short-term goals. After a couple dates, that’s when I find that bond with the person and feel comfortable “giving it up.”

I’m not sure what others might think about this, but I don’t like just giving it up and moving along. I did that in my early 20’s and was never able to find something serious.

When it comes to being intimate, I need two things: passion and communication. I want to experience something that’s not just a mechanical quest for an orgasm. And with communication lacking, it’s up to chance to see if what happens next is a hit or miss.

Something to keep in mind when potentially giving it up is to ask yourself what it is you’re seeking. Are you looking for quick gratification or would you like to have something more serious with potential for it to blossom? The decision is yours, and if you find that you may want something more serious, then stop yourself right before you give it up when you’re out at the bar drinking the night away.

If you have any tips, questions or suggestions for future Sex Talk Sunday topics, feel free to tweet me at @WWJAYD.

Beats n’ Stuff #10: A Girl’s Guide to J-Rock

During this ongoing column, I’ve covered the grounds of both K-Pop, J-Pop, and even C-Pop, as well as electronic artists in those respective countries, to seemingly no end. Unfortunately, I haven’t really featured any foreign rock bands, a problem that I’m going to remedy this week.

And thus, “A Girl’s Guide to J-Rock” has been born. This week’s column will feature the likes of Tricot and Passepied, and will feature all lady-fronted bands (because girls are superior, duh). While I do love me some Asian Kung-Fu Generation, Number Girl, and KANA-BOON, I’ll save them for another day (maybe).

So here we go. Girl’s Guide to J-Rock. Grab some Pocky and strawberry-flavored Calpico, because let’s face it, that’s the best flavor. And let’s do this.

 

5.) “ここだけの話 (Just Between Us)” by chatmonchy

Chatmonchy is an all-girl indie rock band hailing from Tokushima, Japan. Despite only having two current members, chatmonchy’s remained active for the past 15 years, even doing a brief US tour in 2010. The duo-former-trio has even had their tracks featured in anime such as the progressive Princess Jellyfish in the past. Chatmonchy’s all girl power, all of the time. The last album released by chatmonchy came out in 2009, and while lead singer Eriko Hashimoto recently had a child, the state of the band has yet to be determined en masse. Here’s to hoping Eriko and bassist Akiko Fukuoka don’t call it quits yet!

Recommended if you like: Cutesy indie rock duos and anime theme songs

 

4.) “僕に彼女ができたんだ” by SHISHAMO

Contrary to the prolific chatmonchy, SHISHAMO’s only been around for a couple of years. SHISHAMO’s a trio, consisting of two gals and one dude, not quite a 100% girls’ group, girl-power charm still radiates from its female lead singer and bassist. Plus, lead singer-guitarist-lyricist Asako Miyazaki has really cool hair. (Her bangs are cut in a slant for crying out loud!)

Recommended if you like: Girls with cool haircuts

 

3.) “E” by Tricot

I’m not really that well-versed in math rock. I guess Number Girl qualifies under this genre, as well as the American band Slint. Other than that though, I can’t tell you off the top of my head what math rock is (a Google search tells me that the genre is guitar-heavy and “rhythmically complex,” whatever the hell that means). However! Tricot is a great band. Currently a trio of awesome ladies, the band emanates exactly what a girl-rock band should be: cool. Switching from melodic to angst driven at the drop of a hat (or key), Tricot’s a band to watch. Plus, their newest album just dropped, and has the cutest streaming site I’ve ever seen.

Recommended if you like: Math rock???

 

2.) “スマトラ警備隊” by Sōtaisei Riron

Etsuko Yakushimaru, a.k.a. one-of-my-favorite-vocalists-as-I’ve-probably-mentioned-before, fronts this post-rock band. Sōtaisei Riron hardly plays any live shows, doesn’t really talk to press, and doesn’t allow photos taken during performances; however, they’ve regularly produced albums since their start in 2006. While each of the members does seem to have their own projects apart from Sōtaisei Riron, the group as a whole create beautiful, collaborative music together that goes unmatched in the J-Rock realm, or at least so in my opinion.

Recommended if you like: Mysterious, elusive rock groups

 

1.) “MATATABISTEP” by Passepied

Passepied is once-more a lady-fronted pop rock band from Tokyo. Formed in 2009 by keyboardist Narita Haneda at the Tokyo University of Art, the band comes from a unique background of classical music and deep music theory. Their pop sensibilities ranging from various eras, as evidenced by their dense catalog of singles and mini albums, give Passepied a unique outlook among other J-Rock and even J-Pop acts in the scene. With a girl at its helm, PASSEPIED’s strong pop vocals add another layer to their overall strength.

Recommended if you like: Bands that aren’t quite pop and aren’t quite rock

Sex Talk Sundays with Jay

Photograph by epSos.de via Flickr.

For this week’s topic, Hillary and I decided to talk about sex tapes and if they’re something you should take part in or not.

Sex tapes have long existed with people and some are fond of them while others or more of the in the moment fun type. In this day in age one thing to consider is that everything is connected and while most of us think everything is secure there’s always that chance for something to leak out. This happened to such celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus.

In regards to Kim Kardashian’s sex tape with Ray J which is easily found online if you simply type “Kim Kardashian sex tape” it’s seemed to have lost it’s flair.. This is most likely due to her success with video game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.

1 Night in Paris depicted Paris Hilton having intercourse with Rick Salomon and wasn’t intended to be released but one knows how that ended. Most of the scenes were filmed with a night vision camera.

Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger allegedly make them and delete them all the time but have yet to be leaked.

The thing with sex tapes is that people film themselves with their partner to capture the passion and have progressed from the courtship dance stage. This is admirable and I can respect couples that want to look back at their memories of passion. As humans we can occasionally let our emotions take control and are living for the moment and don’t think about the repercussions.

Not unless the person that’s partaking in the sex tape has given full consent and both parties have talked about what would happen if for some unforeseen event both parties split up what would happen to the tapes there should be no sex tape. This is where Kim and Paris’ didn’t think it through and did something far worse than making a sex tape, trusted a man.

I’ve always been tempted to do my own sex tape but the fact that someone could use that to blackmail me or with a simply click ruin me if enough for me to stay away from cameras pointing at me. The most I’ve done is followed in Miley’s footsteps and taken photos or “photo-burst” to look back at them in the near future but then deleting them to avoid any sort of power imbalance.

Sex tapes are fun while in recording but that feeling quickly turns sour when you realize that you need to store it in a safe place that might not be able to get hacked. I would take Ray J’s advice and “Never Shoulda Did That…” (the title to the song he released after the sex tape scandal) to make sure I cover all my bases and not just the ones that my partner helped out with. Good thing only him and I know what happened because there is no evidence aside from our memory to remember that day. What will you do on your next night of passion?

If you have any tips, questions or suggestions for future Sex Talk Sunday topics feel free to tweet me at @WWJAYD.

Sex Talk Sundays with Hillary

Illustration by Pamela Coleman Smith

 

It’s about time we got the fun sex talk back into Xpress Magazine. It’s a rite of passage on any college campus! Why ignore something many of us think about so often, anyway? We don’t want it to be this weird, exciting, scary topic that’s ignored — we want it to be this weird, exciting, scary topic that we all talk about, that we address. We’ve read about the hookups and sexual escapades on campus that are dumped all over the SF State confessions page. We have seen the hand-carved declarations on the bathroom walls: “I rocked his world in this stall.” So we’re going to talk about it from a guy’s perspective and a girl’s view. We’re going to lay out our experiences and honest opinions about hook-ups, awkward sexual encounters, scary adventures, misunderstandings — all of it, from both Jay’s and Hillary’s perspective. We’re going to make Sundays sexy. And if there’s something you’d like to hear about, write a comment or send an email.

And with that, welcome to the first post for this column! Today’s topic: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

I have faked an orgasm once, maybe twice before. Not because I wasn’t into the person or they couldn’t make me feel good. But because, for some reason, it wasn’t happening. And I could tell they were trying. I faked it because I could tell they wanted to make me feel really amazing. And I don’t regret faking it either. Here’s why. When somebody makes me something, or does something nice for me, I want to say thank you. I want to show them I value the effort they put in.

So I faked the big O only in situations where 1. I cared about the person, and relationship, and 2. Nine times out of ten, they were able to get me there, easily. Every once in a while, a person will fake it, and in my experience, it doesn’t mean much.

This isn’t crazy. We all do it… with everything. We fake liking entrees loved ones made us. We fake having a good time at a movie that our best was dying to see. I gave my best friend a gag gift for Christmas. And when she opened the horrendous jewelry, “hair mascara” (yes, it’s a real thing) and neon bright lipstick, she did something insane. She planted a huge smile on her face, grabbed me for a hug, and thanked me. She was faking it.

Is it so much more “immoral” to fake this, simply because it’s sexual?

I’m not saying we should fake it often. And I’m also not saying that we should have a sexual relationship with a person who can’t make you float in bed. Because, seriously, I’m all about being fulfilled in that way. But on rare occasions, when they’re trying, trying and it’s still not happening, I don’t see anything wrong with faking it just that one time. I rather pretend once than make them feel like they aren’t great. If the next time you two go at it, and still nothing, that’s a different story. I’d say, “I’m sorry, babe, but… just, not feeling that. Let’s try it this way.” Because that’s not so hard either.

Sex Talk Sundays with Jay

Photograph by epSos.de via Flickr.

It’s about time we got the fun sex talk back into Xpress Magazine. It’s a rite of passage on any college campus! Why ignore something many of us think about so often, anyway? We don’t want it to be this weird, exciting, scary topic that’s ignored — we want it to be this weird, exciting, scary topic that we all talk about, that we address. We’ve read about the hookups and sexual escapades on campus that are dumped all over the SF State confessions page. We have seen the hand-carved declarations on the bathroom walls: “I rocked his world in this stall.” So we’re going to talk about it from a guy’s perspective and a girl’s view. We’re going to lay out our experiences and honest opinions about hook-ups, awkward sexual encounters, scary adventures, misunderstandings — all of it, from both Jay’s and Hillary’s perspective. We’re going to make Sundays sexy. And if there’s something you’d like to hear about, write a comment or send an email.

And with that, welcome to the first post for this column! Today’s topic: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

Personally, I have faked an orgasm once when I was with this guy from San Mateo. We met through this app called Grindr and thought it would be fun. I met up at his house and everything was going smooth. We started by kissing and caressing one another and you can imagine where I am going with this.

When it came to having an orgasm I could sense he was getting close so I realized that I hadn’t yet and needed to before he was done. This is where I think I did things wrong. Breathing louder and inhaling in shorter intervals that was my cue to “fake it”.

A couple minutes later he orgasmed.

When it comes to my sexual partners I like to oragasm in sync. Something about this really makes it euphoric for me as it really comes down to feeling the passion and not be so mechanical.

One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to men is that as soon as they orgasm it’s game over for the other person. They came, they conquered and want to go back to playing video games. Now I don’t know about you but it’s takes two people to make this happen and the least your partner can do is give you the same pleasure. Here lies a problem that I see all too common with people. There’s a lack of communication that could result in one or the other orgasm. Now with San Mateo dude I wasn’t communicating anything and there definitely wasn’t passion and this resulted in me never talking to him again.

So needless to say, faking an orgasm got me nothing aside from a painful experience.