Enjoy your pizza on Superbowl Sunday. Photo by wEndy/Creative Commons
Enjoy your pizza on Super Bowl Sunday. Photo by wEndy/Creative Commons

 

Super Bowl weekend is one of the hardest weekends of the year to try and eat healthy. So don’t.

I’m not saying fast food is the best dietary choice we could make. It’s just that there’s no use in trying to go all #detoxcleanselife on Super Bowl Sunday. Eating normal-sized portions might be the closest we can get. This is bigger than us!

Papa John’s is literally giving away free pizzas if the game goes into overtime, bacon grease and extra cheese goo included. Jack in the Box created a new “butter burger”, now available to the public with an option to “bacon and swiss” it. Really, they should have gone with a more accurate name, like “ Our new Paula Deen Burger…eat up, then cry!

Oh, and Carl’s Jr. is promoting its new natural burger…which, judging from the commercial, is about the size of an adult head. This all means two things: a) We’re in a America, and b) it’s Super Bowl time.

We can get a million toppings on our pizza. And we can fill the crusts with cheese and then add extra cheese on top and then probably have it deep fried. We have four-patty burgers at In-n-Out. We have shakes at Chick-fil-A ranking upwards of 700 calories.

Jack in the Box's new buttery jack. Photo provided by Jack in the Box
Jack in the Box’s new buttery jack. Photo provided by Jack in the Box

This fast food buffet is terrible, though sometimes delicious, and we absolutely shouldn’t be eating this stuff.

But, Super Bowl Sunday just isn’t the day to wage the war on obesity. It’s not the time to rise up righteously with our homemade kale chips and chia-seeded crackers. If we’re being real, we know the obesity problem in the U.S. has plenty other avenues we can fight through…like funding for public school lunches and nutrition education. Or regulation on the number of fast food locations in a single neighborhood.

It’s true, triple cheese pizza, buffalo wings, nachos and beer are probably some of the worst things we can consume as humans on the planet…excluding non-edible things like a Justin Beiber record or a four-hour class on cross-stitching. Unhealthy food is unhealthy – you’re damn right. I just think if you are the one bringing your gluten-free flax seed pita roll to the party, you are the worst and you need to stop. If you think Super Bowl Sunday snacking is awful and should be stopped, then don’t eat six slices of Papa John’s “Double Bacon 6 Cheese” pizza. Don’t eat 15 chicken wings. Don’t eat bacon-wrapped bacon! Super Bowl snacking is going to happen. Millions of pizzas will be ordered. Nachos will be wolfed down. beers guzzled, and the world will continue to revolve in its normal state. Save the healthier eating pitch for a day when most of the country isn’t surrounded by our own grossness in the form of bread, meat and cheese.

Just for today, leave your seaweed-wrapped celery at home. Don’t make it weird.