Happy Endings

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Written by Jake Montero
Photo by Ryan Leibrich

Every man has his own unique routine for blowing off steam after a hard day of work.  Some fellas like to crack open an ice cold beer, unbutton their trousers, and doze in and out of consciousness against the low hum of the television.  Others prefer to lose themselves in a hobby, like fixing up a classic automobile. A more traditional gentleman might wind down by spending time with loved ones, laughing away the day’s stresses and finding comfort in the unwavering support of his family.

These are not the men of Rubmaps.com.

Rubmaps.com is an online community for those who enjoy the occasional massage with a happy ending.  It also serves a latent function, as the most thorough database of erotic massage parlors in the United States.  According to the website, every state has at least fifteen massage parlors that will sexually stimulate a patron for the right amount of cash.  Our great state of California contains nearly four thousand such venues, far outweighing second place New York and their not-so-modest eight-hundred fifty-eight.

In traditional review fashion, the massage parlors are ranked on a scale from zero to five stars.  The overall ranking however, is just one facet of an immensely detailed scorecard that catalogs the customer’s experience.  Initially there’s the standard Massage Parlor or MP review.  This doesn’t leave room for much input other than when the visit took place, whether or not the location is private and how much the services cost.  The “provider details and services” are where things start to get interesting—or gross, depending on your taste.

First, the woman who provided the happy ending is scored.  The user gives an estimate of her height, weight, and ethnicity. Then comments on her breast size and type of gluteus maximus (usually compared to a celebrity) are included along with another category that just says “kitty,” which upon a glossary consultation (yes rubmaps has a glossary) is a euphemism for vagina.  The “services” tab is where the user can disclose whether the girl let him go all the way and what exactly the specific protocol is when it comes to grey areas like kissing or “ass play.”

The grand finale comes under the heading “more details.”  This is where Rubmaps transforms from a seedy database, to a journey into the mind of a man who has just been relieved by a stranger.  These are not so much reviews as they are detailed accounts of exactly what happened during a visit.  Some are meant to be read as vibrant sexual fantasy, and the users of Rubmaps often elaborate on their adventures with such specificity and detail that reading them for the first time can be startling.

 Logistics of a Rub

“I went on Sunday early afternoon and I parked on the street,” begins a user (we’ll dub WSS) describing his trip to one establishment, an extensively reviewed massage parlor in San Francisco, and is just one of ninety-six other alleged establishments located within the city.  WSS is a premium member, which means he really really likes going to erotic massage parlors and pays fifteen dollars a month for access to reviews that are shielded from non-paying visitors to the site.  WSS has reviewed fifteen different establishments all over the country, including multiple spots in Chicago, Illinois, and Boise, Idaho.  This is not an uncommon trend within the Rubmaps community.  It’s rare for users, especially those who are premium, to have less than five reviews.

“After getting buzzed in, I paid sixty [to the female manager] and she walked me to the room,” writes WSS.  A masseuse walks in with her “bosoms spilling forth” and leads WSS to the shower.  After washing off, the massage begins to take place—that is until WSS begins to initiate something a little less traditional.

“When she came back she immediately started on my back firmly,” he writes. “Felt great. Then she stood at top of table and I began feeling her  legs and up her skirt.  No panties.  Within five minutes I flipped and she asked what I wanted, and I said everything.”

Everything, or “full-service,” constitutes oral sex with a condom followed by two or three sexual positions.  Before any of that takes place, an extra fee must be negotiated.

“She said 140 forty but I tried 120.  She started warming up the toolset and I said fine 140” explains WSS, “she….took off her dress and went down.”

WSS claims the sex took about forty-five minutes.  “I don’t profess to have pornstar stamina,” he continues,  “but this honey was amazing with a rockin body.”  WSS is impressed by the woman’s attitude as well, explaining how her moaning improved his experience.  After the full service, the non-penis massage continues for fifteen minutes, which is apparently all the time it takes for our narrator to get his “flag up again.”  He asks for a second hand job but changes his mind after hearing it will be an extra one-hundred twenty dollars.

“I had an amazing time but wasn’t gonna drop any more $$$. Hot towel rub then left.”

 The World According to Mongo

“Pretty shitty massage. I might as well rub my back against a palm tree. But a palm tree won’t fuck me three different positions,” says another Rubmaps user.

Most of the dialogue on Rubmaps is less than philosophical.  It’s exactly what you would expect from a public forum comprised of people who solicit prostitutes.  The women are discussed as commodities, each defined by their physical features and sexual prowess.  Many of the users act like sex crazed Neanderthals obsessed with putting their thumbs up strangers’ butts. Few are open to being exposed as real human beings, and the ones who are become mysteriously quiet whenever a personal question is posed.

And then, there’s Mongo.

Mongo runs the Rubmaps blog, and is open to discus anything. Considered the resident expert on happy endings, users frequently reach out to Mongo for advice, especially when it comes to their marriage. According to Mongo, the reason many Rubmaps users are unwilling to talk on the record, has to do with the amount of married men using the website, terrified of being caught.  Mongo won’t specify whether or not he has a significant other, but he has thought long and hard about how others can deceive their so-called loved ones.

“The dilemma for married guys is: how do I face my wife after getting a happy ending from a masseuse?” Mongo begins.  “The new guys starting out on this hobby have asked me repeatedly how to avoid detection, how to delete their review because they used a username that easily identified them, and even ask for excuses to use when going to a parlor.  This is mostly for noobs, as I’m sure the veterans have their routine down to an exact science.”

Mongo concedes that mongering—slang for late-night massage frequenting—might not be the best for married men.  But ultimately, Mongo believes that discreet sex with other women can be just what a marriage is missing.

“Mongering helps because you get to release the sperm,” Mongo explains.  “Health studies say it makes us all relax.  We become happier, in a good mood.  That maxim of happy wife equals happy life, applies to us too.  When we’re happy, we treat our wife better.”

How old is the typical mongerer?  Mongo writes that they’ll be pulling some hard data in the near future, but he’s willing to ballpark it.

“I was having this debate with a friend of mine on how old we thought the typical monger was.  We both agreed that the typical monger needs to have some sort of employment in order to afford this hobby.  We think the answer to our question is forty-to-fifty.”

Mongo seems to care only about sex, which makes him the perfect candidate for the Rubmaps.com blogging position.  Blog posts such as the “10 biggest pet peeves from relaxation assistants,” or “Best Places to Monger Outside the US,” serve as eerie indicators that mongering may be less a hobby and more of a defining characteristic.  Mongo believes that San Francisco is the best city in the United States when it comes to getting a rub, due to the number of establishments open late at night, and that extensively reviewed parlor mentioned above.

“The place has a good variety of girls, from Latina to Thai to Korean,” says Mongo.  “The service level is top notch. Afterwards, you can grab some sushi downstairs.”

Rubmaps.com manages to be hysterical, disturbing, bizarre, and sad simultaniously.  It remains a valuable tool in understanding both the scope and the grimy details of the erotic massage industry, as well as being a goldmine for some of the most outlandish first-person storytelling on the internet.  The men of Rubmaps are an interesting breed.  Some are sexist pigs with rampant sexual appetites, others are clinging to failed marriages, and a few are just simply lonely. The sexual fantasy of the erotic massage life is often juxtaposed with the practical realities of life at home.

“Of course, there is the guilt,” says Mongo. “Lying to her every time or knowing that you are hiding this from her can make you feel guilty. Unless you are a sociopath. Then who cares what she thinks?”

 A Sunset Epidemic

There are an alleged thirty erotic massage parlors in the Sunset district alone. This means that an area consisting of about seventy thousand people houses nearly one-third of all the erotic massage parlors in San Francisco, according to a spokesman for District 4 Supervisor Katy Tang.

The erotic massage issue was first broached by Sunset residents concerned about illegal activities within their neighborhood, some of whom became suspicious when they saw customers entering local massage parlors after hours.  Legitimate establishments also began complaining that some of their customers came in expecting happy endings.  This sounded the alarm that there might be a problem.

A visit to rubmaps.com is always entertaining and the reviews are often shockingly hilarious.  The allegations that some establishments use the massage parlor as a front for human and sex trafficking, however, are not quite as funny.  In late July, Supervisor Tang proposed legislation to invoke harsher penalties on erotic massage business owners and deny permits to anybody with a past of human trafficking crimes.  Tang is aware of rubmaps.com, but the reviews only serve as tips to other potential patrons; they are unverifiable and, therefore, cannot be used as a means to strip business licenses.

The San Francisco Department of Health is in charge of massage parlor oversight and regulation.  Supervisor Tang is attempting to change San Francisco’s currently lax policy when it comes to having massage parlor sex.  In the past, a violation of the health code brought forth only recommendations or suggestions to change business practices or small fines that could be appealed.  Amazingly, sex acts in massage parlors are not illegal under the San Francisco Health Code, as long as it cannot be proven that money was exchanged.  An incident was reported earlier this year where health inspectors actually walked in on two people engaged in sex, and Tang’s office confirms that businesses have been caught in the act.

The current iteration of  the Massage Rules and Regulations of the San Francisco Health Code—with regards to sex—a permit can be rescinded if sexual battery or sex with a minor has taken place.  Tang’s legislation would make all massage parlor sex prohibited behind closed doors, as well as putting a stop to illicit drug and alcohol use.  The complaints would then go to the property owners, rather than just the store owners, and require the establishment post signage of the complaint received.

Tang’s legislation passed on November 5th.  If signed by the mayor, massage parlors that our caught offering sexual services will be subject to harsher penalties including fines and loss of permits.

Even with the city working to crack down on shady massage parlor activities, the problems at home still remain.  It might be a good idea to steer clear of Rubmaps if you’re looking for sound, moral advice.  Even so, Mongo leaves us with these words of wisdom, “If your significant other wasn’t the one that made you cum, it’s cheating.”